he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
