I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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