yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
