I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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