my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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