I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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