I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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