My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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