Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
