is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.