I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
