Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
