Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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