Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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