Will you blow on my dice?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I lost the right to judge tonight
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16