I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him