need another drink. this is the easiest way
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana