They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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