did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
