My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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