hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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