You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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