Cold hands, warm shart.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
