seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
