i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
