Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
