It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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