I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
whose parrot is this?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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