I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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