And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
