Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
