That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
