It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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