Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
