Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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