we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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