I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
