The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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