So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
