***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
