Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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