Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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