i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
