Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
