Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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