i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
