I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
