He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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