im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
