its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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