my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
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