You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
