I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
