remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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