I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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