Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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