Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
