1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wish I could punch you in the face.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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