It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
