So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
