More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
