someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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