Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
