So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
