He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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